


claws / san marcos

by warzoneurchin



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Flashbacks, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Underage Drinking, also in the process it became inspired by San Marcos by brockhampton, inspired by claws by charli xcx, personas not the ppl, pre-yt au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24957475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warzoneurchin/pseuds/warzoneurchin
Summary: I like, I like, I like, I like, I like everything about you! // I want more out of life than this.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 298





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> sapnap tryna push sapnotfound and dreamnap but i wrote this cause theres no fluffy dreamnap yet that hasnt left me unbelievably sad so :)

Nick remembers when he first met Clay. It was in middle school, and it was his first year, sixth grade. His family had just moved from Texas to Florida. He joined the basketball team then, not because he liked it, but because it was perhaps the only sport he could tolerate that would meet his mother's activity quota at the time.

Clay and Nick were in different homerooms and he was a lot smarter than him, Nick had figured, meaning they weren't in the same classes, so they hadn't met until the first practice. Nick didn't know what to think of him when they first met. About the same height as him, with freckles lining his arms and crawling up to his face and crossing over his nose and cheeks. Flecks of brown surrounded his pupil, giving his eyes the appearance of a hazel-green halo. He wasn't skinny, nor was he all that chubby. Just average, like Nick. His hair was a dirty blonde that shined bright when the sun, filtering through the gym windows, hit him just right, creating the appearance of an angel on Earth, an observation Nick would repress upon realization.

During that practice, he noticed Clay's immense skill. He admired Clay's quick-thinking. He hadn't known what he was feeling, or why he was feeling what he was feeling then. He wasn't sure what made him so badly want to impress Clay, forcing three-pointers during scrimmages instead of an open lay-up. He later learned Clay wasn't that interested, he didn't care for basketball all that much either, something they discovered they had common after he invited himself to eat lunch in the cafeteria with Clay and his friends the next day. He also learned Clay preferred football, being the flag football quarterback at the time.

Seventh grade Nick was terrified at the fact he worked up the courage to be so bold then, when rejection from Clay or his friends could've been inevitable, but it wasn't. He was welcomed, metaphorically, with open arms. He learned Clay was a few months older than him when his birthday had seemed to suddenly come up. At lunch that day, he sat diagonally from Clay. It had occurred to him he never bothered to ask about the boy's birthday beforehand, and his stomach flips with guilt, the first person to accept him at a new school and he didn't even show how grateful he was at the time. He wanted to give Clay his bag of skittles, but the dirty blonde waved his hand, stating he wasn't that into skittles and other sour candies. He was polite to say thank you anyway.

Nick's heart lurched.

\---

Freshman year.

Nick and Clay thought it necessary to go to the same high school, their time together in middle school cementing them as inseparable best friends, as Nick thought. The high school offered students the library to visit at lunch. Without telling the librarian, they downloaded Minecraft onto the school's various PC's playing together, lucky to have never gotten caught.

They began playing Minecraft constantly together, as it was no longer exclusive to one hour sessions after dinner because Nick's parents limited his computer usage and Nick had violin lessons right after school. A brown haired boy who wore thick glasses had asked to join in playing one day. Nick didn't care enough to exclude him, and Clay was one of the kindest people he knew, not hesitating to say "yes."

The three bonded over this block-game, charming in its default emptiness and endless possibility, and even more so its rising PvP scene on the internet, an interest sparked upon their discovery of youtubers like SkyDoesMinecraft and CaptainSparklez. They learned of this brunette's name, George, and how he had just moved from London to Florida because the air there was better for his grandmother's lungs. George lived closer to Clay than Nick and has less strict parents, and overtime Nick began to feel his heart droop as he became a third-wheel.

\--

Sophomore year.

Nick had begun acting out, blossoming out of his previous shell. He hadn't cared about the various teacher scoldings he'd attract to him. He took up skateboarding, continued basketball but didn't care enough to be on varsity even though he easily could've, because Clay wasn't there with him, but at the time, he wouldn't admit that to anyone. He quit violin, justifying it because he was never good at it anyway.

He would flirt with girls offhandedly, but upon reciprocation he'd find ways to escape from their attraction and attention.

He had become a bit of a class clown, making everyone around him giggle, or otherwise be annoyed with him. That was the case with George.

Nick didn't know where it came from, this disdain George had for him and him for George. They'd constantly bicker, the facade of a joking undertone slipping quite often. Clay had been the glue that kept this barely sustainable group of three together. It stuck nonetheless.

Clay had shot up that year, going from a mere 5'8 to a solid 6'3. Clay quit basketball altogether unlike Nick, even though his sudden growth spurt could've definitely been to his favor. Nick observed as he and George's newfound interest in coding and computer science was implemented into their favorite game, Minecraft. Nick seeing them so happy, so /close/ together, filled him with a jealousy that could've made him throw up as he felt the feeling lump up in his throat, perhaps more powerful than the first time he had a hangover.

His behavior began to be a bit erratic, and family issues weren't making it any better, along with a lack of interest in basketball and slipping grades. The manic period that sophomore year started with abruptly ended with lethargy that seemed unending and overpowering.

During that time, Clay had his first kiss, and soon his first serious relationship. A girl with hair black as onyx, and eyeliner thick as Clay's stupid, stupid, skull, not taking any hints Nick tried to drop, but perhaps failed.

The emptiness of the feelings Nick felt came along with the accompaniment of realization of his feelings, of his utter pining, and yearning for his childhood friend to look at him, hell, even think about him the same way he does.

The depressive phase was obvious to anyone who knew the boy at the time, and Clay tried to pry answers out of Nick as to why he was acting that way, and for a while, he wouldn't budge, always finding ways to shrug it off.

But then the dam broke one day. He hadn't told anyone he wasn't coming to school one day, which was not good for his friends' mental health or his standing in school. As if right as the school day would've ended Nick heard a knock on his door, opening it to a flabbergasted and obviously irked Clay.

Nick isn't sure what exactly happened, or what exactly either had said. It ended with Nick kissing Clay, but he didn't pull away, not at first. He kissed back, and he placed his hand's on Nick's shoulders, earning a shudder from the shorter. As soon as it had begun, it ended. Tears waterfalled from Nick's puffy eyes, staining his cheeks, as he could feel the tiniest bit of snot threatening to escape. It was all he wanted and more. Just to know what lovers did, and he had never felt it till now, kissing his best friend and not having him be instantly mortified.

There was a blush on Clay's face, and his fingers hovered overs his lips, processing what just had happened. Before either could say anything Clay scrambled out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick and Clay meet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOD IM SO SORRY I UPLOADED THIS SO LATE I HAVE NO EXCUSE I HAVE MENTAL ILLNESS

The days that followed left Nick feeling hopeless and impossibly nervous. He missed the comfortable misery of lethargy than the aching heart left behind by Clay's seemingly disgusted response. The constant worrying of if Clay would ever talk to him. The fact it was too early for him to tell if he lost Clay forever.

He started to drink a little bit everyday, hiding a half-filled bottle of liquor and cans of beer he’s stolen from his parents in his room. He wonders if they care at all that their son could be developing a drinking problem. He’s grateful for the temporary fogginess that clouds his brain, but he still ends up remembering what got him so terribly pained in the first place. Going to school while hung over all the time was a challenge on its own, but he’s thankful people rarely noticed.

One day he gets a random text from Clay.

“ _ dw abt what happened.” _

He feels painfully guilty, his heart crushing in on itself. How could he not worry? It tugs at every part of his body, he can barely seem to move. 

He considers kissing Clay to be one of his greatest mistakes. 

\---

Junior Year.

Nick is surprised he made it to next year, barely passing by somehow managing to improve his grades just before the year ended. He hadn’t truly talked to Clay since the incident. Only offhanded waves, maybe the occasional smile. Nick wonders if he were more social if people would ask him about it. They were always seen together before. To an outsider, everything suddenly seemed to have switched between them.

It’s about a month and a half into the school year. Nick is now at a party with a girl he had been talking to. He doesn’t know whose party it is, but he tags along anyway. 

He and the girl already had a bit of cheap beer she had scoured. He was already a little tipsy, and, being an accustomed sad drunk, became uncharacteristically thoughtful, reflecting.

Nick is aware just as much as the rest of his peers that they’re hormonal. That they’re cherishing the last few years of being considered kids before being plopped into adulthood in a world they didn’t necessarily deserve left behind by the previous generations.

He vaguely feels the girl sitting on the couch next to him feeling him up. He isn’t too aware to care. 

Nick had to admit she was objectively cute, perhaps someone he could’ve felt fine dating if his current state was different. She had light cream skin, wearing a grandma-like button up sweater. Circular glasses emphasized her deep blue eyes, if Nick could look her in the eye he’d get lost into them. Slight imperfections dotted her face, and blonde bobbed hair framed her face as bangs fell in front of her eyes. 

_ Blonde _ . Nick realized. Too blonde. It’s then he recognizes that he’s still not over Clay.

But her hair was  _ too  _ blonde, too bright, too peachy. Clay’s was dirty and grayish in tone, almost brown unless the sunlight hit his sculpted face just right. Nick had noticed how much Clay began to even out and develop as he passed by him in the hallways awkwardly since kissing him. 

Nick can feel a nervous kiss at his cheek, then his jaw. He stands suddenly.

“I’m gonna go get a drink,” he says bluntly. He walks off before he can hear her say anything.

Someone is pouring a round of shots, he takes one and downs it. He then grabs a beer can from the fridge to drink later. He leans against the counter to look at his phone stiffly, not quite ready to face the girl again. 

He begins to reflect once again. The various sounds of music he’s never heard, the plasticy sound of the ball at beer pong, the chattering of a bunch of people he doesn’t know the name of but remembers the face of, considering them acquaintances cause he knows they’ve seen him too, but don’t know his name either.

He notices some familiar faces, and how they’ve changed. He sees couples cuddling, making out. He feels a tug at his heart as he thinks about this for a bit too long. He finally opens his beer can and takes a small sip. He wanted to get to the point of being drunk enough that he wasn’t thinking so hard about anything. 

He turns his head slightly, and out of the corner of his eye he thinks he sees Clay. He doesn’t take a second glance before walking back to the couch. He doesn’t think he could bear it. Thinking about Clay for a moment too long, someone who meant almost everything to him, would probably make him sob in mere moments.

The way Clay was smart, but not in a snarky way, always willing to help if he asked. The way he and Nick would play basketball in the school gym during lunch when they had nothing better to do. He was beautiful, handsome, any visually pleasing adjective Nick could think of. His small splattering of freckles across his nose. The fact he had freckles on his shoulder. The way he had a toothy, silly grin. The way he towered over Nick just slightly, and gave perfect hugs where he always patted his back. Nick liked everything about him, but he is almost certain he has finally lost Clay for good. 

He sits next back down to the girl on the couch, sipping his beer can before placing it on the coffee table in front of them.

“Took you awhile, huh?”

“Uh yeah, was talking to someone,” he laughs off. She doesn’t know him well enough to know it was a fake laugh.

“Yeah, who was it?”

“Just some of the guys from basketball…” He trails off. He can feel her delicate, slim hands run up his arm, her fingers running across the bones of his hand. 

He was accustomed to never reciprocating. She kissed and nipped at him, even though he was clearly unresponsive. She adjusts herself a little, moving to sit in his lap.

His eyes are hollow, empty. She doesn’t seem to notice as she wraps his arms around his neck, just shy of the bare skin of his neck where beads of sweat began to develop. Nick could feel his heart quicken.

They weren’t a thing, and he clearly wasn’t interested. She gets off of him. He’s grateful for the weight lifted off his lap.

“What’s your problem? You good?”

“No,” he chokes out. His fingers are trembling and he places his hands on his lap, grabbing onto his jeans to ground himself. He could pass out, or cry. He’s not really sure what to feel.

He gets up suddenly to the surprise of the girl as she reaches out to him. “I think I need some space, uh, I’m gonna go to the bathroom...” He says it rather doubtfully. He doesn’t know where the bathroom is but he wants to be anywhere away from this situation.

“Oh,” she says, smiling. It’s not a good smile, Nick thinks. It can’t be genuine. “There’s one upstairs,” she points out.

Nick only nods as he places his beer can down, shakingly walking up the stairs.

He grips at the railing. He realizes just how sweaty his hands are then. Carrying his legs up the stairs seems like a challenge in and of itself. He barely registers that he’s at the end of the stairs as his brain struggles to keep up with his movements.

He sees a familiar white light indicative of a bathroom, and he hurries to it, before having the door almosted slammed open on him. 

He falls back towards the wall behind him, his fingers grabbing at it, trying to find something to cling onto. 

“Nick?” He hears a familiar voice.

He looks up, feeling the tears swell in his eyes. It’s Clay saying his name. To his face. Without a hint of malice or bad blood.

“Are you okay…” Clay barely sees the large hand of Clay reaching out to him, and he hesitantly grabs onto it before being pulled into the bathroom.

Clay guides Nick towards the edge of the bathtub to sit.

“Uh, stay here,” he spits, “I’ll be back.” 

Before Nick can say anything he hears the door of the bathroom click as Clay closes it. His hands curl into fists and he breathes heavily as he feels tears flow down his cheeks silently.

What seems like eons of silence to Nick, but is perhaps only a few minutes, is interrupted by the door opening, seeing Clay come back with a bottle of water in his hand.

He unscrews the cap, handing it to Nick. His shaking hand grabs it, taking a grateful sip.

Clay sits next to him on the edge of the bathtub. His knee nudges Nick’s knee and the skin there seems on eternal fire. He missed being so close to what meant to him so much, so much beyond he could comprehend. Clay might have been worth the whole world, maybe multiple, and maybe Nick would do anything for him, he thinks. Yeah, he confirms to himself.

“You been drinking?”

“Yeah,” Nick chokes out.

“I can tell…”

Nick only nods in response, taking another sip of water.

“What’s up?” Clay asks.

“I...I don’t really know.”  _ You. You. You are all I can think about. _

“That’s okay,” Clay says as he begins to rub between the shoulderblades of Nick’s back. He rubs out the knots, doing his best to help Nick even a little bit. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” he continues.

They sit in silence, both pretending to ignore the tense air, the undeniable elephant in the room. 

“I’m sorry,” Nick sobs out, feeling more tears rush out. He grabs at his air without thinking, dropping his water bottle onto the tile. He only pauses as Clay tenderly pulls his hands away. Clay isn’t sure what to do. His hands just awkwardly hold Nick’s hands as he sobs.

Nick’s face falls into Clay’s chest, dampening his sweatshirt. He grabs at the sweatshirt then, crying like a child. He finds solace in Clay’s warmth, his familiar smell. He does his best to ignore how pathetic he feels at this moment. 

“Hey, hey, uh--” Clay stutters, “you’re okay, you’re okay.” Clay pushes Nick away, then uses his fingers to make Nick look up at him. “I’m not sure what to say, but I’m here, Nick. You’re okay.”

“I’ve missed you so much,” Nick cries. He wonders how disgusting he looks, with a red nose, slobber pooling in his mouth, cheeks stained with tear tracks, eyes puffy. 

“Yeah, I have too,” Clay says quietly.

“Really?” Nick says, sniffling.

“Yeah, I still don’t really know what to feel about...the thing. You know.”

“I’m sorry!” Nick exclaims. He feels himself cry even harder.

“Nick! There’s nothing you have to feel sorry for, okay? I forgive you. I’ve missed you so much. I’ve never felt so incomplete since we stopped talking, stopped playing minecraft and basketball. I haven’t felt the same. I miss you.” Clay brings him into a tight hug at this.

Nick cries into the crook of his friend’s neck. Secretly he wonders if they could be something more. 

“About the thing...the, uh, kiss,” Clay laughs awkwardly. “Don’t worry about it, I promise. I was just so confused...I didn’t know what to feel. But it opened my mind up to some things. And...I don’t think you should regret it, because I’d like to see if we could start over. Maybe…” Clay trails off, realizing he’s rambling. 

Clay doesn’t really know how to convey what he feels, so he grabs Nick’s hand, squeezes it, and Nick squeezes back. 

Nick snuggles into Clay. They sway a little bit, the air seemingly calm somehow. Like this grudge, this terrible, terrible few months had finally been put to rest. 

“I love you,” Nick spits out. Clay just nods in response, rubbing his thumb at Nick’s hand. He’s not sure if that’s confirmation that maybe, just maybe, Clay feels the same as he does. 

\---

Nick wakes in an unfamiliar bed. He realizes he’s snuggling into Clay’s familiar green hoodie. He almost panics, then remembers they didn’t do anything. Only went to bed, to sleep, to let the night pass. This is one of many guest rooms, Nick remembers. The house was quite spacious. 

The sun filters through tree leaves and into the blinds of the nearby window, illuminating Clay’s face, and he feels his breath being taken away. 

He counts the freckles splattered on Clay’s face. He’s beautiful. Clay shifts a bit, half-sleepily wrapping his arm around Nick’s waist. Nick faintly smiles, and he snuggles into Clay’s chest. He’s not sure where they stand now, but he knows for now he is happy, he is in peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank ye for reading

**Author's Note:**

> this ended up being longer than i wanted and its 1 am so ill just make a chapter 2 lol also listen to those songs. rn.


End file.
